It's when the doubts and depression creep in. Unwanted guests as always.

This has been a really trying week in so many different ways. Had a small relationship crisis, my students are giving me shit, and my health has been horrible...I've had a bad cold since Saturday and it's just now clearing up. So let's be honest, it's been a week from hell:
Fear of imbalance in my relationship, my dog's being horrible, work work work, stress stress stress, cough cough blow cough.

So this is it, my final stretch in the run for my degree. I expected this time to be so different, almost as though I'd be making up for *lost* time...as though I'd allowed for such a thing. I've done so much in the past 3 1/2 years here in Duluth. So many trips and conferences, story-tellings and concerts, camp-outs and sleep-overs, dancing and singing, ceremonies and prayers...a whole lifetime of change excecuted in about 42 months. I've been in and out of and in love, I found my inner poet, I found my inner healer, my friends, my calling, my lover...my life. Everything I've done has lead up to this...but now that I'm looking back it really is the journey that was so important.

They say that kind of thing a lot. "It's not the destination that matters, it's the journey"...it's become a silly cliche by now. Now I know you don't really understand what that means until you're standing at the finish line looking back.
As I was saying, I thought I'd be spending this time partying it up. Going out, being crazy, drinking...getting in those last few crazy college memories before the time had passed. Now it almost has and I have no time and no energy. I work for a living already! Teaching has completely consumed my life. I think I know now that this probably isn't what I'm cut out for. Most people would most likely be upset...the degree they've worked for so many years so hard on isn't what they dreamed it was. But like I said...it was the journey. I don't give a shit what this degree is for...I learned so much more than how to be a teacher.

Nostalgia...ain't it a bitch? Now I mostly just want it to be over, to move onto the next chapter in my life. I've accepted the beginning of the end...I thought about it even last year as I watched Rookie go through her swan song. Now it's my turn.

And I just want it to be over.

Hahaha. It is so weird to sit here at work watching the VH1 countdown when this time 7 years ago I was watching it as I made beds and cleaned rooms as a hotel housekeeper. So much happens in so little time.

I feel really good after last night's moon ceremony. I feel cleansed, like I got out everything I needed to say. I'm really in love, really nervous about this upcoming school year, really bittersweet about it being my last undergrad year.

Christ, what a scary thought. It might be less scary without student-teaching looming over my head and all that that entails, but I'm hoping I'll be ready when it comes. I probably will be. I'm just sad that a year from now when everyone up at old St. Scholastica is starting school again I won't be, or I will be someplace else doing something else with other people. Scary, exciting...bittersweet.

Bittersweet, that's probably going to be the word for this upcoming year. So much to leave behind but so much more to look forward to. Like I said last night "I don't want to go...I don't want to grow up...but I'm ready. This is good."

So here it's been a full year since Marlon and I went our separate ways. Haha. What a beautiful way to describe something that in truth was so, so very ugly.

I just noticed recently that I met the year mark. I wondered how long my hair would be a year after chopping it all off last August, and I gotta say it looks pretty good. With intermittent haircuts I've grown it out at least 4 or 5 inches. Not as long as it used to be, but it's on its way.

And like looking at older pictures with my hair cut short, I've been sitting back and looking at how my life has changed and progressed over the year. Certain accomplishments I would have given up have come to pass, and other things I never would have dreamed about are in my life. Or rather I should say, other *people* are in my life.

I try to imagine explaining this to myself back when I was so in love with Marlon:
"Oh yeah P.S., a little over a year from now you won't even be with this guy and someone better will be in your life who *actually* loves you and *actually* knows how to show it."
I can just imagine myself frantically shaking my head in denial. Boy did I think I could never live without him, I remember one night keeping myself up late in a panic over what I would do if he were to die on me. Life really throws you curve balls.

In retrospect, I'm so glad I got my heart broken. I mean...not in the way that it was buckets of fun to have my dreams and heart crushed, but in the way that there was so much I would have missed out on had I not returned to Duluth. The program, my friends, my job, Zak...Zak has been like my reward for making it through all of that shit. Finally the things I was drying to dig out or force out of others who didn't want me just flow effortlessly out of him. He's everything I've ever wanted, and all I'll ever need. I think the reason my love for him isn't that desperate, crazy love is because it's not DANGEROUS...which is SO refreshing and honest and so much more wonderful. We just click. In everything. Being with him is so EASY. He's not only my boyfriend and my lover, he's my best friend. We can do everything together and enjoy one another's company...I can have a dirty mouth and make inappropriate jokes and he's right there. It's so weird. But so nice.

It's just been a long road over such a short period of time. Sometimes I wonder where Marlon is at, how he's doing, if he has someone in his life too...and while there's a part of me that would like to think he's alone and miserable, the smarter part of me hopes not. I *hope*, for his sake and hers, that my leaving him made him wiser and a better person. I *hope* that the next time love comes around he won't be so selfish as to push it away. I hope he'll be generous and kind to her, I hope he'll live dangerously and let her in. I hope he's learned his lesson.
But I think it's pretty unlikely.

As for me, I've grown a lot...come a long way. And I'm proud of the life I've built back up, of the woman I've built back up. I'm happy to be alive and in love again.

I'm so tired.

Tired of being sick.

This summer hasn't really turned out much like I thought it would. I thought I'd be spending more time at the beach but it's been abnormally cool here in D-town. I thought I'd go to more concerts, but all plans have fallen through. I thought I'd do more traveling, but no money to do so has materialized. I thought I'd be making more of said money but the calls haven't been coming in. It's already mid-July, the summer is more than half over already. I find that more than a little depressing.

Add onto that that I've been pretty sick lately. Not terribly, I can still function and do the things I like to do. I just do them all weakly. I do it while being constantly tired and out of breath with a side of headaches. I'm pretty sure I'm low on iron again...it really feels like anemia kicking the hell out of me. I'm trying to get into the doctor's soon.

And, as usual, I get pretty emo when I'm sick. Depressed, thinking about death, weird stuff like that. I guess because I've always believe that I would die of some degenerative disease that every time I start feeling this way I keep thinking "well...this is it." It's very morbid. I think of it to the point of whether or not I'd want to stay in school if it turns terminal, if I'd want to get married, if I'd want to just disappear or travel the world or whatever. It's pretty silly. They tell you to live like you're dying but dying isn't fun business. Even if it's just hypothetical trying to plan your dying days feels really shitty.

Not everything's been bad, there are some definite bright spots. Zak and I continue to grow closer and closer. I really love him, I do. It's not like the love I've had in the past...that desperate, star-crossed, whirlwind kind of love where I felt like I was going to fall apart and burst with happiness at the same time. It's calm, placid...beautiful. I was watching Gilmore Girls earlier today and had to laugh at myself...I've found my Dean! For years I've loved that character, basically the character of best-boyfriend-ever feeling as though no such person existed (like Edward Cullen, who doesn't unfortunately). Well after suffering through my "Jess" period...I know he does exist. I've got the guy who thinks I'm great, who loves and appreciates me, who respects me, and who makes me feel beautiful in all aspects. It's just so comfortable...so easy. A part of me wonders at times if it's real...but I know the answer. It is. It's just hard to believe that love can be so...painless. That you can really trust somebody. I'm trying to let go enough of myself to believe in it instead of gunning it down like I usually do.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say for now.

The other night I was involved in a house meeting at the shelter where all of the residents get together and talk about their concerns, their hopes for the future, and basically everything they're going through.

One of the major topics was the treatment of parents to their children and how a kid should react to such treatment...how to move forward from it.

It got me thinking about a lot of feelings and the like I try to stash away. Every day with how sick my dad is getting from his obesity and diabetes I see that he is dying. He's old, he has a disease, and he is dying. Have I really forgiven him for everything he's put me through.

Should I forgive him?
Does it matter if I do?

My father is not the kind of person I could ever confront with my feelings. He would dismiss them, deny everything I remembered, and call me crazy among other things. He would never have the decency or HUMILITY to sit down and have a real conversation with me about it, to look me in the eye and at least consider me seriously. Even if he didn't think he was to blame for all he'd done, he would never even dignify my pain enough to listen.

That's a hard thing for me to deal with. It's hard for me to realize that there will always be these feelings I can't resolve, I'll never have that closure or peace. I will always feel that pain.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Also, I've been thinking a lot about Marlon lately...naturally. This new love with Zak is so different from anything I've ever felt before. There's a part of me that thinks that passionate, can't-do-without-em kind of love is behind me now. That was the love of a naive girl, and now I'm a mature woman. I know now that no one is perfect and that I cannot function in a relationship where the other person is so broken I have to constantly chase them in order to matter. I thought love entailed struggle, entailed pain. Now that I'm in a relationship where I'm adored and respected and important...it all feels so strange.

It's so different that I doubt it. Was Marlon the love of my life? And if he was...can I live with that? What is "the love of your life" anyway? Is it that person you'll never forget? The person you fell for first? The person you fell for most deeply? And how do you quantify the "depth" of a love?

I fell deeply for him. I gave up everything and everyone I had in an effort to love him and be with him forever. And when I say everything, i mean *everything*. My love, my time, my money, my savings, my job, my school, my friends, my virginity, my happiness, my trust, my heart...now some of those things I just can't give to anyone else. Innocence gone that I cannot retrieve. And that's fine. But does that make him my ultimate? Not in the sense that he's the "one that got away"...he got away because I let him go. Because I never really had him in the first place. But will I be chasing his shadow somehow for the rest of my romantic life?

Or can you really love two people in your lifetime? Even if it's so different and so good that it feels almost a little unnatural...I don't know. I guess I wanted it to be that if I did fall in love again it would be so amazing it would overshadow everything I've ever experienced. This love is quietly and patiently amazing. It's a comfortable, worn-in t-shirt kind of love. It's so good for me.

We'll see where it goes.

I'm really beginning to feel the weight of all the ugliness that surrounds me...but it seems to be most heavy in my friends.

I hate falling away from friends...more than I do effectively "breaking up" with them. At least when you break up with your friends there's a defined reason, a purpose behind it. Maybe they lied to you, deceived you, did something damaging and irreversible. How do you reconcile it when they're just not the people you thought they were...or conducive to the person *you* want to be?

I'm just beginning to realize more and more what side of the Indian/White division I'm on. Neither. Yes I am First Nations...my family has suffered just as much historically as anyone else's. But I am so tired of people using those things as justification for hatred and judgment. I don't care if your grandpa was in boarding school, it doesn't give you an excuse to talk about "white bitches" and "white girls" and "white boys" and white this and white that. Generalizations are fucking stupid as a rule, no matter how "justified" you may believe them to be. Distrust the government, not the individual. It's just like terrorists who blame all of America for what our government has done and thereby take innocent lives for no reason.

And I just don't know what to do when I hear this kind of talk from some of my best friends. It's not like me to shy away from the truth or keep my opinions to myself. I don't like being disingenuous. But I feel like if I express myself I'll lose my friends altogether. They're so angry, so dead set in their ways...I can't imagine them listening to me with an open mind...which is so not who I thought they were only weeks ago. I didn't understand why we went our separate ways...but as time goes by it is becoming more clear.

I just don't know what to do. I want to be a progressive. All this in-fighting about who's "more Indian" (which can be based upon, according to some, anything from hair length and skin color to growing up on the reservation or having a white parent) is an invented tool to tear us all apart...to keep us angry and fighting with each other too long to fight to move ahead. I'm tired of blaming others for our problems. I'm tired of holding onto anger that never got us anyplace in the first. I'm tired of keeping people on the outside because we fear them. If we do all of these things...it just means they've already won.

I want to move forward not remain stagnant. I want to unite instead of separate. I want justice and peace and reality to settle in for these people.

And I want to do it...but I don't know how.

1. "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol.

There is no song more definitive of love in my eyes. It's not this grand, over-bearing, melodramatic emotion that burns and consumes and grasps you, real love to me is those tiny, genuine moments where no one and nothing else exists in the world. "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?" is basically the silent question I ask every person I get into a romantic relationship with. Sharing those seemingly insignificant moments are the most significant points. "Let's waste time chasing cars."
It's even got the most poignant, beautiful melody ever. His voice is so even and the lyrics so simplistic. Ugh, beautiful.

2. "The Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot.

*The* most amazing song and lyrics ever. It rumbles in so slow and kicks you in the ass mid-song before rolling back out again. Not to mention a more bittersweet song about life being bittersweet could not be written. The song comes in and manages to say with every moment of it exactly what it's telling you. It takes the cliche of "for every door that closes..." and takes it to the next level. Plus the simplistic notion of "I don't belong here" meaning the world? I don't know about you but I have felt that my whole life.
Plus, how can you beat the line: "Though it may cost my soul I'll sing for free"?

3. "Under You" by Better Than Ezra.

Another love song in which the beauty lies in its simplicity and its simplistic description of the topic. I can see the picture of this couple so in love, struggling to get by and finding comfort in one another. "Under you...I feel your breath move in, out, slowly. Under you...let go completely feeling you take over me." Those are the moments I feel in love myself, just listening to somebody breathing and taking in the moment.
The worst part is that at the end they're not together...its so poignant and reminds me of that crazy kind of love.

4. "California" by Copeland.

Just another simplistic love song. I've known this feeling so many times of someone going their own way whether it be friends, family, or lover...and inside you're just begging them to come back. "Come back from California, all of us here in Florida are starved for your attention." All you've got to hold onto is the idea of "I'll see you soon." even if you know somehow you won't see them. This is the first song I ever learned to play on the guitar.


5. "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.

I remember when I was about 16 I felt like this song was written just for me. Even today, at 23 it speaks to me a little more than it should. It's basically any girl's anthem about just being yourself...and again is so poignantly simplistic: "it just takes some time, little girl, in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine." Plus if turned up to a loud decible you can't help but rock the fuck out.

6. "Shadow On the Sun" by Audioslave.

Reason to shed a tear that this band broke up. Chris Cornell is one of the best vocalists alive period, but this song really proves his range and emotional power. The dude sings with a mouth full of gravel and tears. This song to me is about the uncertainties of life, death, and the mysteries of the universe. Not to mention a twisted love story.

7. "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" by John Mayer.

It was super fricken hard to choose between this one and "3x5" for an appearance by Mr. Mayer, but this song is so undeniable, catchy, and sexy its hard to let go by the wayside. With the meandering guitar and cascading b-section you can almost hear the song burning down itself. Plus who hasn't been in a relationship where you know you're all wrong for each other, you know its all headed down the shitter but neither of you can get off the pot?
"how dare you say its nothing to me, baby you're the only light I ever saw." Gotta love it.

8. "And Offer She Can't Refuse" by Reeve Oliver.

I can't even justify this one. I've just never heard a song with a melody I've liked more. It's basically the song-version of the movie "The Godfather", a movie I've never been able to sit through without falling asleep within the first five minutes...but its so sweet-sounding, cute, and beautiful you can't help but love it...and giggle a little at it. "Just hold me close, tell me you love me, but please don't ask me what I do." Cutest song ever, I swear to god.

9. "Flaws and All" by Beyonce.

Yeah, I chose a Beyonce song. Shut the hell up. I'm a sucker for a great love song and there just aren't a lot of songs by women that basically say (and I'm paraphrasing): "Most of the time I'm a confused, over-worked, bitchy person...but you love me anyways!" That's something I've felt on more than one occasion romantically or otherwise. It's her most honest, emotional, and downplayed song ever. Not over-produced or in your face...it just is what it is without apologies, much like how she depicts herself in the song. "You catch me when I fall, accept me flaws and all, and that's why I love you."

10. "You Get What You Give" by The New Radicals.

I can never listen to this song and *not* be put in a good mood. It's basically about nights getting crazy as a kid, and every so often looking up and saying "dude, it's not gonna be like this forever." It's about being positive and remembering "you've got the music in you." Plus its got such an upbeat melody.
"We're flat broke...but hey we do it in style." Hahaha. Just sums up being young.

So I did it, I told Zak how I feel about him.

It was hard...*so* hard to actually say it, though I'd been feeling it for some time now. It's the next step, you know? It's vulnerability...it's frightening. But I did it.
For the past week or so every time I went to bed I lie there and think about how I *wanted* to say it and couldn't bring myself to. Then I remembered how I usually live my life: tomorrow anything can happen. He or I could be hit by a bus, and would die never knowing the truth.

And I do love him. He's been so kind, so patient, so caring and respectful. He's been everything I needed and everything I didn't *know* I needed.

I don't know if he's "the one" or "it" or whatever, that's not really something I'm concerned about right now. I'm not in a hurry to get married or have babies or move onto that next part of my life. I think I'm tired after all I experienced with Marlon. I was all geared up and ready to go with him, to marry him and be a part of him and to share my life with him. I need to coast along in this new relationship...to allow things to develop. Things were so pressure-cooked with Marlon. With him moving all the time (farther and farther away), with our time together being so limited and our love for each other heightened every time we saw one another (absence breeds fondness, believe me) it made everything so dramatic and hasty. This love, this relationship is so...normal. Zak and I are really taking the time to get to know one another, to really talk things out and share our dreams and goals.

And he brings out the best in me. I feel witty and spiritual, funny and beautiful, smart and enigmatic...and also I feel so safe. I can be whoever and whatever I want to be and he's right there standing behind me. And I can *feel* how much he likes me, how much I mean to him. And as weird as this may sound, one of the most encouraging things about him is he's changing too. He's inspired by me. For the last two years he's been coasting carelessly through school with no sense of direction or purpose...now he wants to turn all that around.
"I see you working so hard and being so smart and I feel like such a loser. I don't want to be that guy anymore." He's even brushing up his personal appearance, getting more confident, being more social. I've always wanted to be around someone I could see being influenced by me...not in the sense that I can change them at will, but in the sense that something about me makes them WANT to change.

As normal as it is, this relationship is so weird to me. There's no pain in it. For some reason I have always equated pain with true love. There's nothing to it if it's easy, right? There's gotta be distance or past relationships or emotional blocks or cultural clashes in the way in order for it to mean anything. I'm a big fan of star-crossed love stories...they just hurt like hell to actually live through.
I've had my Romeo and Juliet love. I fell in love with a junkie and came out alive. Then I fell in love with an untouchable hero, someone so passionate and so fucking damaged nothing I could do could get through to him. He was beautiful, but in order to love him I would have had to stop loving myself. And those wounds are still so deep and so fresh...that I know a part of me still belongs to him. I love him.

But Zak is taking me for himself piece by piece. And I know he'll wait for me, he'll keep picking up the pieces as they wash onto shore and fit me back together...because that's who he is. Every day I get closer to him and to myself. Every day I get a little more confident, a little happier.

And though the war rages on between my doubts and my hopes...I think I know who'll win in the end.

Ugh...so here it is, folks. I'm falling in love again.

Wow, even writing that feels like an out-of-body experience, something I never thought would happen to me again let alone so soon.

It's crazy. I've been trying so hard to doubt Zak, to try to anticipate what's gonna go wrong with us or what will change my feelings towards him. Still every day my feelings get stronger and my need for him grows. Like I said, it's crazy! It's just so weird...he has all of these qualities that I never would have imagined existed anymore: chivalry, gentleness, kindness, and an amazing sense of what I need. And holy shit...the kid can kiss. I NEVER would have imagined that coming from him, but he kisses me like I've always wanted to be kissed.

Last night he told me again that he loved me...something he's been doing since nearly when we started dating...and I broke a little.
"Are you mad at me because I don't say it back?" I asked. He shook his head.
"No."
And I just started to cry. I don't know why, just a combination of different feelings and thoughts running through me. He turned me over to face him and looked me in the eye.
"Makoons...I'm not mad at you. When I told you to take your time I didn't just mean sex. I meant everything. You've been through so much."
And I knew he understood.
"I just don't want you to think I don't like you..."
"I know you like me. And I know that you care about me. Don't worry."
And he just held me for awhile.

God...I don't know. I'm just so terrified. It all looks so perfect, like Zak was designed especially for me. What more could this little broken heart want or need? What other kind of man could nurse me back to emotional health any better? I just...it's so weird. I never would have imagined something like this between us, but it's real and it's there. And I'm so thankful for all of it.

The truth is, I already *do* feel like I love him. I just don't want to jump the gun. I don't want to let on my vulnerability. I don't want to do anything that exposes me as the giant softy I really am inside. And honestly I think at this juncture...that's okay. Like he said, I should take all the time that I need.

And I will.
I'm just glad he'll be there waiting for me.

I am so fucking terrified of you. Sometimes I cannot remember how to breathe, how to react, or even how to think when I'm with you. Because I'm pathetic (I know that) whenever you're around. I curl up into a tight ball ample for you to hold and conform to the shape of your arms.

And these are supposed to be good things, you know? This is the "fun" part where everything is perfect...where *you're* perfect and nothing and no one can touch us.
But I don't want you to be perfect...the perfect men who came before you touched me and ruined me. They thickened my skin, hardened my heart, and made a complete fool of me. I know that it is unfair to just assume you'd do the same, but I imagine you understand what I'm trying to say.

I'm trying to say that I'm falling for you. That when you hold me so tightly the only thing that goes through my mind is "ugh, I love you." That when I wake up in the morning you're the first thing I think about. And it's scaring me to death.

I don't know who I am anymore. Am I that tough-as-nails-chick who puts up her guard, builds up a wall, and keeps intruders out at all costs? Or does that hopeless, hapless, unfailing romantic still live inside of me who just wants to be fee? To let go? Who should I listen to?
I know who I *want* to listen to.
I want to listen to you.
I want to be with you...and just be.
But I am *so* afraid.

You'll probably never read this, but I just had to get it off my chest. I'm so very afraid and I don't know what to do. I want to be in love again, but I don't want to let myself go so fast.

Don't do anything in response. Just kiss me and tell me it's gonna be alright.

~Makoons~

Cuz I sure haven't.

So last night I kissed him. *I* kissed *him*, family! Crazy, right? I don't know...I just felt it. I wanted it. And let's be honest, I liked it.

Zak has been so...much more than I ever could have imagined. I'm still taking it as slowly as possible, but I feel so in my place with him. I feel comfortable. I feel right. I feel like the best of me is coming out in full force to meet him.

And I fit in his arms! It's so weird to be with someone who makes me feel small, but he does. Physically, that is. When he holds me I fit right in that cavity without curling or trying or forcing it. I feel safe but not intimidated when I'm around him. And he's so damn affectionate! But appropriately so. When I was with Amadou he wanted to make out in public, and when I was with Marlon he didn't want to so much as hold my hand. I've had the two extremes, so it's so weird to be with someone I just click with like this.

I don't know, I feel so silly being all excited but that's the good stuff, right? This is the part where I *get* to be excited and wishy-washy and hope for the best. It's just so weird...like it's all almost too good to be true. Like he is. We work together so well...I just can't imagine something coming in a screwing it up. Not that our bond is so strong yet that it's unbreakable, just that I can't forsee us not somehow working it out.

We'll see. I'm just happy right now. Loved, and happy.

So...wow. What a difference a couple of days makes.

I think it's more than safe to say I'm in a real relationship now. Zak is...so different. He's so stable. So healthy. So goddamn GOOD for me...it's unreal. I have never met a person I've had so much in common with besides maybe my little sister, and that's only to be expected. We had basically the same fathers growing up, which is a total mindblow. It's so odd to FINALLY be completely understood by someone in that area of my life. I feel like in a lot of ways I'm repeating myself and being redudant or disinteresting when I explain my relationship with my father to people. With Zak...he knows exactly what I mean.

I don't want to count my chickens. I want to be careful, to guard my heart, to remain somewhat detached. I've noticed he's already throwing around the L-word a little bit...and I'm just not comfortable with that yet. Not because I don't think I do or ever will feel that way about him, but because I have to play it closer to the hip for my own sanity. I can't just come out guns-a-blazin' about my feelings after everything I've been through. That, in itself, would be damaging.

If there's one thing I'm thankful my breakup with Marlon taught me it's to take romantic matters slowly. Why be in a hurry? Why rush things? Why not just enjoy them as they unfold and pay attention the the moment at hand? I know that's sort of a "duh" statement, but it's one I've always known and never enacted. Now I feel like I'm really living in the moment.

Zak is...his own entity entirely. He is so HEALTHY. He told me he's enjoying the slow pace, he's gotten rushed too much before in relationships. He and I see eye to eye completely on sexual matters...take it slow and share it only with people you really, truly care for. We both want to raise children in the Anishinaabe lifestyle. I don't know...his perfection is starting to get a little ridiculous. It's like I almost can't believe he's real. And I'm trying not to for the time being...not until I know this is him. This is what I'm getting. I need to let the infatuations stage wear off a bit.

I just wish it weren't such a big scandal and topic for discussion at school. Everyone's just saying "holy shit it's out of left field!! Are they just fucking with us?!?!" lol. It's to be expected I guess, even I didn't see it coming. But when we're together on the couch and he's got his arms around me and moans softly, burying his face in my hair...it just feels right. It feels comfortable, feels perfect.

And I hope it feels like that for a long time.

So here we go again...

I've started seeing someone. Crazy, right? It's very new, very different...very not anything like anything I've done before. For one I usually date older men, and now I'm dating someone three years younger. So far I had only dated African American men, and this guy is an American Indian.

On the surface it looks like something really good. He's very sweet, understanding, patient, and we have similar backgrounds. He's close with his family (in particular his mother), we're going to school for the same thing, and we have A LOT of shit in common. Same music tastes, movie tastes...everything. So why in the hell am I so nervous? Why am I actively trying to only think about the downsides of all this?

I guess it isn't a surprise, really. I've been so traumatized by everything I went through with Marlon it's only natural that I'd be hesitant, afraid. That's just usually not me. I'm the aggressor, the one who's always so excited. It's almost as if the roles have been completely reversed in my romantic-life...this time *I'm* the damaged one in need of patience and a gentle demeanor. I'm not sure I really like that feeling yet.

However on the surface everything looks perfect. I can tell, because I've seen it before, that Zak is super excited about me. He's already beginning to fall. I just wish I could let myself go and fall with him. I want to. Well, I guess we'll both have to wait and see...we'll both have to be patient. Every day it gets a little easier to let him touch me and be near me.

It's weird how sensitive I am to that where in my more innocent days I would have been all for cuddling and holding hands and all those sort of things. Now it feels...weird. The first time Zak and I held hands for any period of time I almost started crying.

I guess before I only had to deal with my Marlon-issues in an esoteric sort of way: how it *felt*, what I *thought*, what that *meant* and so on. Now it's in my face, physical and real. I want to kiss Zak but I don't. I want to let him hold me but I don't. Oh well...it'll all work itself out. I know what kind of guy he is because we've been friends for so long...he'll wait for me to understand it.

It's been quite a month.

First, I figure out I'm bisexual.

Now, I might be a mother at 23.

Now, now...don't get the wrong idea. I'm not pregnant, nor is it even remotely possible such a scenario could be so. However, there's this huge clusterfuck going on in my family right now and I'm not sure how to proceed.

My cousin Cody (who I met once at least 8 years ago) is currently in the psyche ward at a hospital in Minnesota. My uncle (his father) is a completely irresponsible asshole, which is probably why his wife (Cody's mother) left him when Cody was only a couple of years old. Problem is she is believed to be somewhat unstable, and then she moved in with a convict...who just so happens to be a sex offender. It's believed that Cody was abused by this guy. He went into a foster home before being put in the hospital because he started hearing voices telling him to kill himself. HE IS ONLY TEN YEARS OLD. This poor little boy has been through so much that he's been driven to madness.
The lady whose foster home he was in had been doing it for over 20 years and had had many children live with her...and she said Cody was the worst she'd ever seen.

Now my uncle would normally take him in. Family takes in family, that's how it goes. However, my uncle is old, in his mid fifties with physical problems and he already has custody of his grandchild who is only two. He doesn't have room in his home and doesn't know if he feels comfortable having a child with mental and behavioral problems live with him and the little kids that frequent his house.

I guess...after considering everyone else in my family and knowing everything is either unwilling or too old...that leaves me, doesn't it? I can't just let Cody go off into foster homes if there's a possibility I could help him. Granted, I don't know shit about being a mother. I don't make very much money. And I don't know diddly about raising a child with mental problems...but I want to try. Before we all give up on him and let him get lost in foster-home-limbo...I'd rather at least TRY to keep him.

I don't know. It could be a shot in the dark. I asked Al about it and he said he'd think about it.

I'm just so young. I mean, there are many who have kids before they're 23 but they get the chance to raise them, to grow with them. I would suddenly be the mother of a ten year old I don't know that I didn't help raise. Like I told my friend Katy, he's already programmed. He's wired to like, dislike, hate, judge, and do all the thing his parents did. He's wired to certain defenses. I don't know how much of that I can break through or help him with. I don't know if he'll end up turning to drugs or gangs or sex or...something. I don't know. I know that's a possibility with any child, but with a child I didn't help to raise? It seems much more likely. Especially a child with a history of abuse and mental issues.

I don't know, man. I'll figure it out. If it's meant to happen it will happen, and if not...it won't. Maybe I'm ready and maybe I'm not...we'll see.

Scary.

Oh and PS...my parents will be fucking pissed if I do it. Oh well.

Let me begin this entry by first apologizing...I know it is going to being one place and end up somewhere completely different.

Now with that out of the way...

Earlier this week I received an e-mail from an acquaintance of mine named Will. I was excited...Will looks just like Jared Padalecki, so who wouldn't be excited? He is currently out in Washington D.C. doing a semester-long trip with other students from around the world so I wondered what the heck would make him think to write me after a random number of months of not even being in the same state.
Turns out...his roommate is French, a journalism major, and has decided to write a piece on American Indians, their feelings on the current status of American politics, and some of their cultural outlooks on life. Immediately I was like sure! Let him give me a call! I gave Will my phone number and e-mail address and told him to pass it on. When his roommate, whose name also happens to be William, responded he said he wanted to meet in person. I kind of laughed and said "I don't know if Will told you where I live...but I'm in Duluth and that's a long way away from D.C."
Turns out...it didn't matter to him. Before I knew it he was on a plane, had rented a car, and was here by last Friday! I was excited, scared, and dubious all at the same time.

William has actually turned out to be a joy to hang out with. He is extremely open minded, funny, and very willing to learn. He is genuinely interested without being creepily into the information. You know what I mean? He wants to learn but he isn't over-stepping his boundaries or getting into anyone's faces. It's always hard when you're dealing with someone from another country because at times they can be very culturally obtuse without meaning to be...culture clash/shock and all that. William is actually very with-it. I think his lack of knowledge on the subject really helps him in that. They don't teach much about us in France (big surprise) and so he didn't know what to expect...and didn't have a lot of crazy over-the-top expectations coming into this. He had a lot of very important, relevant questions to ask so it was cool to help him out.

And, admittedly, I've developed a little bit of a crush on him. Amazing, right? Who would think that I would try to develop feelings for an unavailable man? And who is more unavailable than a man who at the middle of May will be flying back thousands of miles over the ocean to his home? God! I really digust myself sometimes.

I put a lot of romantic emphasis on the unnatainable and I don't know where that comes from. When a love is doomed, when it's hard to keep afloat, when there are a lot of obstacles in the way...it makes it even more attractive to me. I don't want love to come easy to me. I want to have to struggle for it, to fight for it, to make it happen because that, for me, is romance. There's nothing more romantic than two people fighting the odds to be together. Maybe that comes from my own parents' relationship. My mom's parents HATED my dad for being Indian...for being poor...for everything. They had to fight to stay together and basically had to run away from their families in order to get married and start a real adult life. I guess that, to me, is very romantic.
But love CAN be simple. It CAN be easy. It can be me falling for someone my own age who is emotionally and mentally stable, who wants to travel but not MOVE all the damn time...who is actually COMPATIBLE for once...it can be easy. But I never choose easy. Easy is boring.

I hate that all of my entries keep coming back to love and men and all that shit. I'd like to be real on some other things...but I think since breaking up with Marlon I've had to reevaluate my feelings about love and try to understand what they originally were to begin with. It's important to know where you made mistakes in order to improve upon them in the future. I need to remember that I'm attracted to unavailable, unnatainable men....and that a lot of the time I'm attractive to them as well. I need to be level-headed, sensible, and try my damndest to look for someone actually compatible. For someone easy.

Love CAN be fun. It can be wonderful. But most of all...it needs to come from both people. I need to stop expecting the unexpected. Weird how that works, huh? And I know someday some random nice guy will pop up in my life and I'll know he was the one I was not supposed to expect. Hehehehe.

Anyway...being "the ambassador to France" has been a lot of fun and I think William is learning a lot. He's thanked me a lot. I know I should be doing homework and a million other things...but I feel like this is important. We always fucking complain about people not caring about our culture...what kind of idiot would I be to turn away or ignore someone who genuinely does? Someone who's truly interested? A big idiot, that's what kind.

Anyway...it's getting late and I'm really fading fast. Au revoir!

Wow, it's been a month almost since I last wrote in here. Crazy.

Speaking of crazy...that's the word to describe my life lately! Especially if its an adjective to the word "busy" in a sentence. Fo sho.
It's been a repeat showing of school, work, meetings, teacher-assisting, and so on. Nothing extremely excited...and for the most part I can't complain. I like being busy. And now with a healthier attitude and outlook on life...now that I'm on the road to healing...I'm feeling pretty good about life in general and about myself.

One of my friends is pregnant! It's been a crazy ride because she had an IUD in and SHOULDN'T be pregnant, but she and her husband are really happy about it. She lives with me now during the week so it's going to be fun watching her develop...as annoying as her mood swings, constant peeing, and dry-heaving are. Bwahahaha.

It's funny how God likes to play pranks on me. Whenever I sit down and think: "you know what? I'm okay being on my own. yay me. I don't need any guys in my life for the time being." Opportunities start popping up and random guys start rearing their ugly (and sometimes quite good-looking) heads. It's ridiculous! A guy asked me out on the bus the other day but...I wasn't attracted to him physically or personality-wise so I just kind of told him I wasn't looking to date. Then my friend Jill was trying to fix me up with this cute guy who seems more into her than me...meh. It's just funny. But I haven't bitten yet, God...so you still haven't won (*shakes fist at the sky*)! We'll see. Right now I'm cool being single. And it feels REALLY good to say that.

Anyway...just checking in. Nothing too exciting or earth-shattering.

I've never been very good at healing...but I feel like finally and after all its coming to me.

Maybe it's been having all this time away from friends, from distractions from...it all to make me *think* about my beliefs and make me *remember* all the painful memories I've tried so hard to block out...
Maybe it's having time to really disappear into books, writing, music, and television shows so I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders...
Maybe it's the way God has been reaching out to me and me to him to make sense of the confusion burning inside of me...

Or maybe it's just a combo of all of the above. More than likely, it is.
I feel so different...so healthy. Not completely healed by any means, but *healthy*. Healthy in the way that I am recognizing and acknowledging my pain, accepting who I am and who I've been...accepting and in a way forgiving myself and those who have hurt me. I heard a really good way to describe it in this silly book I'm reading by Stephanie Meyer: "Breaking Dawn". Not silly because it's no good, silly because I *love* it. The character of Jacob likened his pain to seeing that he's going to have to swim to the other side of a huge body of water before it ends. Like only once he gets to the other shore will his mind and heart be at rest.

I've felt that down to my bones for so long.
And I feel like now I've finally begun to swim.
I have to swim through the memories, the hurt, the pain, and everything else I've tried to ignore to finally make to the other side. And I can't look to others to help me, by others I mean other men...others partners in potential heartbreak. They'll sink me. I have to do this on my own, learn my own lessons and gather my own strength. I need *me*.

Do I still long for love? Yeah, of course. But I feel like over this past month I've started to finally *believe* in love again. Tentatively, hesitantly, warily believe in love again. It's hard for me to believe I can feel like that again. Hard to believe I can give myself again to someone so completely, to be so vulnerable again. Whoever my next lover may be...he has quite a fight on his hands. But I know whoever it is, he'll be up to the challenge. I hope that he will be.

Okay so maybe it's less that I believe and more that I *want* to believe. I *want* to believe again in love...and I'm not sure how or how long that will take. But I want it to happen, I want to feel that way again. I know I have it in me to be the strongest, most romantic, most epic kind of lover someone could ever ask for. I've just tried to be that for men who didn't want me. I'm the keeper, and all the men I've spent time with know that. I'm not the hit-it-and-quit-it or the fun-dater or the girl you just mess around with. That's why both the men I've dated have asked me to marry them...they knew it as well as I do. I just need to find someone who loves me, who will take care of me, who also wants that. I need someone who wants to heal *me* for once, and not the other way around.

I just don't know if that exists. Fricken Edward Cullen, why ya gotta be so perfect?
Right now I'm just going to sit back and focus on myself...recognize that I *am* still hurting and that it will take time and effort to help it pass.

I'm so proud of myself for making this development. It took several months, but I've finally found myself again. I've finally admitted what I always knew in my heart: I am broken and in need of healing.

And I'm ready now.

Usually when I kick off the new year (or effectively kick away the old one) I leave some hopeful message here filled with nostalgic moments and hard lessons I've had to learn. No doubt this year was full of those on both accounts, maybe even more lessons than good memories. However this year I guess my 2008 send-off won't be as happy-shiney as it usually is.

I have no idea who I am anymore. I used to be so sure, so certain, so confident in the fact that I did. Now, looking at myself, I don't know what I've turned into. I don't mean that in a "what-kind-of-monster-am-I?!" kind of way, I just think I've been so busy...busying myself that I don't have sight of my goals and my values anymore. I've been so busy attaining *things* and filling up the silence in my own head that I haven't been focusing on helping others and learning spiritually like I used to. That's probably why I bought a pair of hi-top chucks the other day...the shoes I used to wear on my more centered spiritual path. Familiarity breeds comfort and introspection for me, gotta admit.

Not that I don't deserve a little mental R&R. It's only natural that after what I've been through I want to hide, forget some things, and compartmentalize others. I think that's why I've been buying up a storm and shopping all the time...it takes up time. Anyway, coming home has forced me to face a lot of those feelings I was hiding from. I miss my hair. I feel like it's the only thing that showed my pain on the outside because I'm so intent on hiding it, so it's a good thing to track my progress with...but I still miss its power. I miss my power. I miss me.

I just need to forgive myself. I need to believe in love again. I need to believe in *people* again. And I need to find that confidence spiritually, that place I used to dwell in...that feeling I used to have of knowing my connection to the spirit world and God and my ability to hold onto it with all my might. That is where I truly exist, where my purpose lies. And it shines out through me. People take notice, people come to me. This is who I am and nothing else will suffice.

I need to stop hopelessly waiting for someone to come along and heal my broken heart, I have to stop what I'm doing and get on that task myself. I need to be healthy, I need to be free. I need internal closure.

This year truly feels like I'm beginning over for the first time since I can remember. I'm a completely different, new woman. Worse for wear, definitely, but seasoned and wise. I need to calm myself, quell my anger, and satiate my spiritual thirst. And that can't be done by shopping or movies or music (well maybe a little bit by music) or anything else I can find that's distracted me. I need to think about things. My new years resolution is to be complacent with myself. To make sure that everything I buy and everything I do is only to accentuate my good traits rather than make me better. To make sure I am only capitalizing on the good person I am instead of believing these things *make* me a good person.

I need to stop hiding.
I need to listen.
I need to think.

Happy new year, everyone.

*le sigh*

This year has been an amazing year in many good ways and probably more bad ways. I don't know, I feel pretty divided about it right now although I know later in life I'll be grateful for the lessons I've learned.

Being back at my parent's house for the holidays brings back many scents, pictures, and unwanted memories tied to Marlon that I've been trying so hard to avoid. For the first time in awhile I really let myself be sad about him. I miss him. I hate that I do and I wish that I didn't...but there it is plain and simple. It was about this time last year I was riding the train down to Kansas City to see him...back when things were simple. Back when he loved me indescribably and I fell head over heels for him. Back when I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

Now things have changed...but I have my life back. I don't have Marlon anymore, but I have my friends, my job, my school, my niche...my livelihood. Or my "glow" as all describes it. I loved Marlon...more than I even like to admit...but he didn't love me the same. Not nearly. He wasn't as giving of himself, as willing to throw it all to the winds for love. I'm a hopeless romantic. As I told my sister:
"It's incredibly difficult to be an independent woman and a hopeless romantic at once."

Nothing could be more true. But I'm trying. And I have the feeling that someday *that* part of my life will come together. It will. But for right now I should just enjoy being alone...get to know myself and be a little selfish. It's good for me.

More later.

I certainly did! Nothing crazy or exciting really happened...and I think that was what made it so wonderful and amazingly refreshing.
I worked friday. No big woop there.
But on Saturday Edye, Bill, and I went out to play pool for the first time in at least a month. It felt so good to catch up with them, speak some language, and actually beat Bill at pool for once! I actually played fairly well...which is new for me. I started wondering if I was cheating without even knowing it.
It just felt good to be with two people I really can be at home with and open with. I got to smoke a cigarette, have a couple of glasses of beer, and just hang out mellow-like with my friends. It was a great night.

Sunday we were completely snowed in in Duluth! There was a giant blizzard. Everyone at my house (including two guests staying with us) are real out-doorsy types so I never see them on the weekends...but this time they were forced to stay home with me! We watched the football game, had a buttload of food for dinner with the neighbors, and ended our night with a few games of hearts, spades, and sequence! It was bombski. I love having seriously relaxing weekends like that...and I know it'll be at least a month before another one finds its way to me. Too much drama at my parents' house...too much stress and anal retentiveness.
Oh well.
I'm just trying to remain myself, to be strong in order to endure. I'm hoping that despite my sister's friend visiting for most of my time there...I'll be able to make it through. She's the only reason I go home anyway.

We'll see. Prepare for some whining if it falls through, lol.

Oh! My birthday is coming up! Pretty freaky. I'm already 23! I've spent the last month acclimating myself to saying it so the switch-over won't be so weird. It's still so weird...I feel like I'm finally starting to *look* 23, to look like an adult. Gotta say, I'm proud of myself. It's good that I've grown up so much and have come so far on my own. And also, with the help of my amazing friends.

Anyway, gush gush gush.